This last month alone has been quite a ride. It's been full of studying and stress, ups and downs, birthdays and field trips... and did I mention studying?
At the [near] end of it all, I have at least one thing to show for it. I can say
"스트레스를 풀리기 위해서 이야기를 많이 해요."
which means "To relieve stress, I talk a lot."
This is not entirely true, for when the thoughts still go round and round-- and I have the time and nervous energy-- rather than talk, I write.
For one thing, the third and final TOPIK exam was just a week or so ago. For those curious about that, the final results for that are out on August 2nd, officially. I suppose one of the reasons I write this now is that I can reflect on just what this time is, while I still have some hope. This sounds bleak and self-deprecating, but the truth is that one way or the other-- whether I've passed or not-- after the results are out, the hope is gone; for success or for failure, remains to be seen. But in some poetic sense there is something to be said for reflecting before knowing what the future truly brings.
Most of the studying and stress, of course, was due to that-- the test, that is. This may surprise some, while others may just shake their heads in lieu of an "I told you so," but I've never been that good at "studying." Most of my good grades to date (most of which are further in the past than I'd like to admit, right now) have been due that double-edged sword of "just getting it." Luck has been my savior in a few rough patches over the years, so it has taken all the way 'till grad school for that simple fact to come bite me in the butt. In Korea (and most Asian education systems) the "study" skill is much more useful, for better or worse.
I can whine and moan and analyze and justify all I want, and in the end, you know what I still have to do? I still have to pass the damn test... as the Korean government sees fit. That's really all there is to it.
So I buckled down, learned some semblance of studying (not a kind I like to call particularly helpful in the long run), worked out a strategy, and took the test.
Also, for those curious, unlike my last test-- which was indeed a hopeless failure-- I feel like with some luck, or divine intervention (however you see it) it is possible I passed. I also feel like, whether I passed or failed, it will be by a very small margin. And that's really all I can or will say. In times like this, I prefer not to complicate things or stress myself out. At this time, It truly is a relief that there really is nothing useful to do. With so many books, dramas, video games, and friends to catch up on, I am rather enjoying the simple wait.
That said, there are a few blanket votes of confidence from the officials here. For one thing, my contact at my next university has reserved a dorm room for me for next semester. For another, at the lunch today, we all received gifts and certificates of completion, even though the term doesn't end for another week.
With that in mind, I had a friend of mine snap some photos for my mom, who likes that sort of thing.
Also, some may have noticed (or been notified) that-- in order to counter this artificial, stressful craziness with some fun, creative craziness-- I have recently not only cut, but dyed my hair. Yes, that's purple, by the way.
I cut it about a week or so before the the test, which according to Korean superstition, you're not supposed to do because all of the information will be cut away with your hair. This only supports my theory that hair feeds off your brain. I was definitely smarter when I had long hair back in high school. But this time, it's ok, because I did my heaviest studying after I cut my hair, so I didn't loose that much. ^.^
Somewhere between here and there, we went to the beach. Good times were had by all. White girl turned pink. I seem to be in the habit of changing colors recently. Also, a kicking set of birthdays, not the least memorable of which was the evening of the TOPIK itself.
Today, after our pre-graduation ceremony, I came home to a box of homey necessities. You know: chocolate, allergy medicine, underwear (O.O), video games... the essentials.
And then there's my favorite. At school, the little one, instead of the Mother's Day book they usually do, made me a special "God-Mother's Day" book. Some highlights are "One of my favorite things to do with you is... hang out with you and play games." How many guardian figures get to hear that? And something that pleasantly surprised me: "Something you taught me is... everyone is equal." I had never thought about it that way, but it makes me really proud to hear that it's rubbing off. Sending this out to the little one and to my mother, who taught me the same things.
Thank you so much, my brother and god-son. And thanks to all the friends and family who have supported me so far, through thick and through thin.
Love you so much! < 3
